Planned Parenthood
As I hinted in a previous post, life is going to be getting a lot more hectic come mid-August. By the doctors best guess, on August 8 my wife and I will become the proud parents of a baby boy. This is our first child, and therefore I am equal parts exhilarated and terrified.
I am preparing for plenty of things to change. Obviously my sleeping patterns will be tossed out the window. But more than just that, I’m preparing for a shift in life priorities.
This is one reason I gave up freelancing at the beginning of this year. I’m trying to get myself used to coming home and just ‘being at home.’ (I know my wife will tell you that I have a long way to go to figure that one out.) I’m slowly teaching myself to let work be at work. Slowly. Very very slowly. I have a strong feeling that I will not have that 100% figured out by the time August rolls around.
So I’m looking for tips. All you web folk/parents out there, give me some advice. And not your typical ‘Be prepared to wake up a lot’ advice. As an example, I’ve learned from Cody Lindley that it is possible to hold a child in your arm, balance a bottle with your chin, and use a keyboard simultaneously. These are the kind of tips I need. Practical, real-world scenarios. So teach me a thing or two. The floor is open.
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Published April 03, 2006 by:
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Congrats! That is really great, and I hope everything goes well.
One thing I would recommend, though I am sure you have done it before, is if you know someone with a child…ask to babysit them for a day or two…get into the parent mindset. :) I hear it really helps.
Keep us updated.
April 3rd, 2006
Ah – congratulations!
My best advice: – read every book you possibly can about ‘how to care for your wife / child during pregnancy / birth’ – and then, when he arrives, toss them all out of the window. In my experience, they will only confuse and upset you.
Other tips:
April 3rd, 2006
Congratulations!
I’m still pretty young, so I don’t have any parenting advice, but I was curious as to what you were thinking for a name. I know there are probably a hundred other things to worry about right now, but you have to make sure you give him a good name. Don’t give him one of those trendy names that he’ll be embarrassed about later in life.
Good luck, and keep us posted!
April 3rd, 2006
Once he’s mobile, you might need Toddler keys (PC) or something similar.
April 3rd, 2006
David gets it right – enjoy your social life now because when that kid arrives, you’ll be locked up tight…or at least so exhausted the mere thought of even going out to a movie will knock you to the floor.
I don’t we slept more than 2-3 hours per night for than 8 weeks in a row when our daughter came on the scene. You simply become a shell of a human being, but somehow you survive.
We’re currently expecting baby number 2 and I know this turn ‘round I’ll think differently about what’s possible with your “free time”. Don’t try to do too much, but do get outside. Perhaps lie in the grass or under a shady tree with your boy in your arms.
One thing you’ll learn about newborn babies is this – you will never know how selfish and absorbed you are in your own life until they show up. Your needs, your priorities and everything you valued before will get pushed aside.
And the best thing is, you won’t give a rip. That kid will own your heart like you can’t even fathom.
Being a father absolutely rules :)
April 3rd, 2006
Geof – that’s so true … Steve, be prepared to throw your priorities out of the window! Actually, it’s different from that even – be prepared to realise that your priorities weren’t priorities at all, simply things that you will postpone happily when faced with something that really does merit the term ‘priority’!
Being a dad does, indeed, rule.
April 3rd, 2006
The “balancing the bottle with your chin” trick is key. Not only can you use it to type on the keyboard but you can actually use it when you’re reading, watching tv (lounging in the lazy-boy), or napping while the little one eats.
Here’s another little tip, always, and I mean ALWAYS, have an extra blanket around. You never know when you’ll need it but when you do you’ll be glad to have it. Keep one that stays in the car, one in the baby bag, one in the stroller, etc.
Finally, burping is messy. Either wear dirty clothes when you do it or grab that extra blanket you should have around you at all times.
Of course, I’m not a parent yet but my mom has been running a day home at her house since I was 3 years old.
April 3rd, 2006
Those guys up there are very right. Life is going to change dramatically. Being a father is a great thing though. Watching you little guy grow up is going to be the greatest experience in you life. On to the advice:
1. You took the first necessary step. You won’t have time to do much freelance. I gave it up as well. By the time you get home, spend time with the boy and wife, there’s not much time for any serious work.
2. Get a front carrier. It’s a modern-day papoose. It frees up both arms to do whatever (cook, clean, type, etc) and lets the little man tag along and help out. It’s also quite cozy for the baby and they tend to fall asleep.
3. I assume by now you know to child-proof EVERYTHING. Little boys seem to be predisposed to finding anything electrical and grabbing it. I’ve found that my boys favorite toys tend to be any electronic device with buttons, especially if they light up. My 10-month old LOVES my wireless playstation conroller. It calms him right down.
4. Sign up for birthing classes. It really helps take away a lot of the uncertainty and fear of what’s going on with the whole process when you’re well informed. My wife and I took the Bradley birthing classes (emphasizes natural birth methods) at Memorial Hospital in South Bend (you know where that is right?) and it helped me immensely. It also teaches you ways to help your wife relax during the months leading up to the birth and during.
5. In August of 2007, when the baby can face forward, invest in a portable DVD player and some educational DVD’s (Baby Einstein, Signing Times, etc). It’s a sanity saver on long trips.
Ok, I’ve taken up enough of your space. Congratulations and enjoy.
April 3rd, 2006
You know, it sounds silly, but there’s one thing I’d recommend over any other, and that’s the bugaboo. Many will mock you with this phrase: “Who spends $800 on a flippin’ stroller?” The answer should be, “I do.”
No only does it fit seemlessly with a good car seat (see the site), but it also comes with a bassinet in which your baby can sleep right next to your bed, at your parents’ house, in the living room, wherever. And, when he goes to the seat, it can start facing you and then turn around. Finally, and this is important, it’s built like a Mack truck, which is a good thing.
Oh, and read Greg’s great site, daddytypes. He convinced me to go the bugaboo route – amongst many other things (Costco diapers!) – and really let the inner geek, modern day dad part of me get involved.
One quick note: life does change with the new tyke, but it doesn’t change that much. What you’ll learn: you’ve been practicing for this your whole life, you just didn’t know it.
Congrats and welcome to the team.
April 3rd, 2006
Hey, once again congrats Steve! There’s certainly nothing comparable to family when it comes to choosing between them and work. No contest whatsoever. It’s funny because this is the same reason I’ve taken a hiatus from blogging….lol.
April 3rd, 2006
Ah, cool! Congrats Steve. It’s only a matter of time before you’ll be watching Spongebob, Caillou and other kid shows over and over and over again. Let the good times roll. :)
April 3rd, 2006
Oh! As far as a good piece of advice:
Enjoy every moment because
- and this is true -in a blink of an eye, your child will grow up insanely fast!I’m amazed at how quickly my daughter has grown up and before my eyes, it just seemed so quick.
April 3rd, 2006
Congrats mate.
I’m in a similar boat to you except for the fact the lady wife is due several months later in November (plus you know what sex the baby is). I’m looking forward to our first scan in two weeks time but am preparing myself for that lack of sleep by getting all my big Web projects out the way this Summer.
I’ve also been reading up on The Blokes Guide to Pregnancy – recommended. Puts it all in lady-free jargon and tells you the basics.
April 4th, 2006
It will come to you easier than you think. It is scary at first and you spend all that time sterlizing everything and doing all sorts of crazy stuff. Eventually you relax a bit and just enjoy all that is parenthood including the running, yelling and playing. Congrats and good luck! You will be fine.
April 4th, 2006
My first night was pure HELL! Micah, my son slept 3 hours. He was Colic for the first 4 months of his life. That means he cried from 4 in the afternoon until about 9 at night for no consolable reason. I remember going to work that first day and being sent home because I just couldn’t function. I kept asking everyone at work that had kids, “Will it always be like this.” They just looked at me and laughed. The next night I got two 4 hour shifts of sleep and felt like a million dollars. Great days are ahead!
April 4th, 2006
Congrats man! My wife is due in October God willing. Going through some crazy times right now with the complications. For starters, just be grateful that you’ll be blessed with a little one. Others would give anything to be in our shoes. One piece of advice: build a support network around you and your wife (family & friends) who you can call on when you need advice and/or a helping hand. Too many times, first time couples go through unnecessary extra hurdles while there are those who are waiting to help just under our noses. Good luck! I can’t wait for my turn in October.
April 4th, 2006
You’ll be fine. Jaya Gopala!
April 4th, 2006
Replace your computer chair with a rocking chair.
April 4th, 2006
Steve:
Your post, and the multiple responses, caused me to wage a bit nostalgic. I remember when you were a newborn, toddler, pre-teen, etc. First, a lot of it really does come “naturally” – that is, the transition seems to be seamless in some ways. Oh, things are different, for sure – but the new little one just seems a natural extension of yourselves. The main key is to remind yourselves to enjoy this stage of life. I know it was so much fun for us. You were such a fun child, and it was fun to interact with you. As for being “exhilirated and terrified,” I can relate to that as well. The fact is, every parent feels inadequate, and when they look back years later, they will admit that they could have done things better. As I said to you a few years ago, two of my major mistakes were being overprotective, as well as too competitive with the games we used to play. For that I apologize…again! You and Carrie will be superb parents, I have no doubt. Please know that Mom and I are praying earnestly that all goes well – both before and after the birth. God bless you all! Love, Dad.
April 5th, 2006
For our second kid, I made a policy of never letting my wife get up in the night. I was the one to get up. I quickly learned that indeed you can feed a baby and type at the same time, and I got a LOT done in the middle of the night. Which freed me up to nap in the afternoon while my (wide awake) wife handled the baby.
Here’s a tip I haven’t seen yet here: when you fly with the baby, take the stroller, fill it with your bags, and carry the baby. The baby is lighter and easier to carry, and you can leave the stroller at the door of the airplane, and they’ll have it waiting for you when you step back out at the end of your flight. Good times.
Oh, and as for typing while feednig the baby, start fairly early putting her hands on or near the bottle, at some point she’ll figure out she can hold it, and then you get TWO hands to type with! Bonus. :)
April 5th, 2006
I am a 5 weeks father and nothing really can prepare you. I think it really made me a complete person. Tired beyond belief but happier than I could have imagined.
all the best
April 5th, 2006
Well, you know that Jenni and I can’t contribute anything to help you through this. But what we can do is give you our congratulations. Good luck Steve. And if you ever need a completely oblivious ear to talk to, mine’s open.
April 5th, 2006
The one thing that I didn’t really “get” when we had our first kid was this: your life will change dramatically, but not overnight. For your wife, it’s a different story. But for you, it will kind of creep up.
The changes can’t really be explained. Sure, we can tell you that you’ll be getting less sleep, won’t be leaving the house nearly as much, and all that. But those are symptoms. Until you’ve experienced the deep satisfaction that being a parent offers, you can’t possibly begin to imagine what it’s like.
April 6th, 2006
I’m not a parent, but I understand that it’s gonna be rough at first. I sympathize with your “letting work at work” shift though.
After only a year and some months of web design work, I learned that if you don’t stop taking work home, you’re in for some trouble. I was so anxious and stressed at first.
When I saw that it had no positive effect on me though (neither on my bank account, to be frank) I decided to just leave it be.
April 6th, 2006
I am not a parent so therefore have no advice but I did just want to say: Congratulations!!!
April 6th, 2006
First: Congratulations! Definitely a step towards actually growing up. :-) Until now you could afford to be a cranky, selfish teenager. No more. Ever.
There is nothing anyone can say to make you really understand what is going to happen with your life. It will never be the same in ways you can’t imagine. Some more obvious, but the important ones are subtle, very subtle. Event though there will be times when it feels like somebody took your free life away, it is the best that can happen to you! Have a wonderful life with you kid! I know I do. I have three amazing boys.
April 7th, 2006
Congratulations Steve!
My wife and I are in the same boat right now – we’re due sometime towards the end of October or beginning of November. Scary and exciting at the same time really is the only way to sum it up. I’ve had so much going on and I haven’t even begun to figure out how to deal with it all – and I imagine I won’t for some time now, but hopefully I can do it without having to give up the freelance gig.
I’m going to have to work on the balancing bottle trick… That will definitely come in handy!
April 7th, 2006
Good stuff my friend. I’ll send some cigars your way.
April 7th, 2006
Congratulations to both you and your wife! Knowing that your going to be a new father must be a pretty awesome feeling. I hope everything goes well for you and your new family. I can only imagine the lifestyle change that is going to accure, so if there is anything I can help you with don’t hesitate to ask.
Take care and again, congrats!
April 7th, 2006
Congratulations! My wife and I as well are expecting soon (September 22 due date, for now). So far things are going great with the pregnancy, other than the fact I am stuck in Kuwait for another month thanks to the “War on Terrorism.”
Here’s to a healthy child for both of us (and a lot of sleep in preperation)!
April 8th, 2006
Congrats! I think I’m a bit too irresponsible as of yet to be having kids, but am looking forward to it one day. Oh, and my wife is the same way – about me constantly tweaking of code / design. So, I have no advice to give, but will be looking forward to hearing many crazy “Steve the dad” stories.
April 9th, 2006
Steve, congrats on the baby! It’s definitely going to be a crazy August for both of us!
April 10th, 2006
Steve,
Congratulations and Mazel Tov! Josh was born in May, and Maya will be born on the 27th of this month!
My advice to you is not to catch up on sleep now, and not to give up freelancing. My advice to you is to start working harder and harder, training your body to need less and less sleep. Become a ninja of sorts. Now that Josh is almost 11 months old, he’s asleep by about 8pm. So I get home from the day job about 4:30, we hang until bed time, then I go off to the bat cave and work till about 2 or 3 am. That way I’m only getting 3 or 3 hours of sleep. This is training for when Maya joins us and I’m up with her all night.
STRONG ADVICE: GET A BOPPY PILLOW! See this shot:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/steveguberman/19438699/
and you’ll know why… as the little nub sleeps on the pillow, you can work at your desk nicely.
MORE STRONG ADVICE: If you realyl don’t want to give up freelancing, take a project at a time and stretch your timelines with the client so you can do it while the baby sleeps, from day to day.
Either way, that’s hot shit, it’s what work is all about, shit – it’s what life is all about. Congrats to you and Mrs’ Smith, and lil’ Smith!
April 10th, 2006
Congrats Steve! There’s nothing better than having a baby.
My son just turned 9 months a week ago, and here’s my advice: Take complete advantage of nap times. ‘Cause when he’s up you’re not going to want to do anything else but hang out with him, especially once he starts crawling around.
Everything Erik said is spot on. Watch out for any laptops, keyboards, PS2 controllers, etc when he starts crawling and standing. Zachary will do everything he can to get his little hands on all of those things, especially my Powerbook. I’d recommend having a spare keyboard around for the baby to pound away on. It’s pretty scary all the bad things that can happen if said keyboard is hooked up to the computer.
And I echo the boppy pillow, and quality lightweight stroller. In general, it’s worth spending the extra money on things that will make life with a baby easier instead of harder.
April 10th, 2006
Congratulations! The advice above about enjoying your social life (movies, restaurants and the like) before the baby gets here is good advice. Our firstborn arrived last June and we’ve not been to the movies, or out to eat by ourselves, since. That said, I really can’t say that we miss those things. Another piece of advice would be to not put too much stock into anyone else’s advice, particularly when it comes to sleeping habits, eating habits, etc. It’s easy to get worried about how those little suckers are going to do those things (eating and sleeping), but every single one is different. Believe me, there are some babies that sleep through the night on a regular basis and their parents’ sleeping habits never change! Ours has slept through the night since before she was 7 weeks old. We’re talking 12+ hours a night, here!
As for balancing work and home, that’s a whole ‘nother ball of wax and to be honest, it’s one that I’ve not mastered during the past year. While they’re tiny, it’s relatively easy to hold them and type at the same time (we’ve all done it), but the real trick gets to be once they become mobile. I’d definitely recommend a program such as the aforementioned Toddler Keys. I’d also HIGHLY recommend either AlphaBaby (for OS X). Madi picked up very quickly what a keyboard is used for by playing with that program. I liked it so much that, when I found out there really wasn’t any comparison for a PC, I wrote one myself. She can now happily bang away at any keyboard in the house!
One last piece of advice (wow, this is really long), take LOTS of photos and use something like Flickr to share them with family. That way they can print and keep whatever they want. You won’t have time to distribute photos any other way…
Good luck!
April 12th, 2006
I found your site while searching for WordPress templates, so I hope you don’t mind some advice from a complete stranger. The thing that most surprised me when I became a mom was how much I LOVED my baby. Everyone tells you that you’ll love him, and you know that you will, but I don’t believe there are enough words to truly explain how much you’ll LOVE your child. My husband and I never wanted children, I never felt the “biological clock” ticking or that “I wouldn’t be complete without a child” feelings. We actually took a class to help us decide and we heard “child free” parents talk about how great their lives were; couples where one parent stayed home and the other worked and how great their lives were, and parents that both worked who had to completely change their lifestyle. For example, they used to run together but now had to run alone, when their child got the chicken pox, dad stayed home from work the first week, the mom stayed home the second, etc. Their lives were an absolute hell (in our opinion at the time!), but they said it was all worth it when their child looked up at them and smiled – Yeah Right! We ran out of there even more determined to not have kids. A couple of years went by and we still couldn’t decide, so we decided to let nature take its course. About a year later, our daughter was born (also an August baby and she’s now 13), and 20 months later our son was born (he just turned 12). They’re the best decisions we’ve ever made.
I’d skip babysitting others’ children if I were you – I don’t think it helps. My kids could play with the loudest, most obnoxious toys for hours, but if my niece played with the same toy for 30 seconds, I’d be ready to scream! (Of course my “noise” tolerance has gone way down now with my son’s fascination of hip hop/rap “music.”) Interview pediatricians long BEFORE the baby arrives (Emily came 3-1/2 weeks early and nothing was done), and I’d look for a great sense of humor and make sure that he/she gives equal attention to the mom and dad. (It drives my husband crazy when he asks a question and the answer is directed to me. Also good advice for teachers in the future.) I’d strongly recommend ONLY pediatricians with a lab in their office. That probably saved my daughter’s life. There’s nothing worse than having blood drawn and having to wait overnight (or over the weekend!) for the results. They should have a “sick clinic” where you can just show up without an appointment and separate waiting rooms for sick kids and healthy kids. Be extra nice to their office staff – they’re the ones who run the office and determine who gets an appointment or not, or who will “happily” fax the latest lab reports to a specialist. Our pediatrician’s best advice: never give your toddler miniature marshmallows – they melt and can get stuck in the back of their throat and can’t be removed. Personally, I’d make sure you read about and understand the risks of immunizations and at least consider getting them at separate times, i.e., get the MMR (Measles/Mumps/Rubella) as three shots instead of one. (My kids didn’t have any problems with vaccinations!) Many times we’ve had much better appointments with the Nurse Practitioner than with the doctor – they usually have more time. Believe me, they’ll get the doctor involved if they’re over their heads.
For your wife – NOTHING about breastfeeding is instinctual – not for her or the baby. She shouldn’t expect the baby to immediately know what he’s doing, and she won’t either. Every mom I know had some difficulty and we ALL expected to immediately just know what to do – just like on TV. It’s hard work, and it was the only thing that caused me stress when my daughter was born.
I had to have an emergency C-section and I couldn’t hold my daughter until the next morning. I, of course, assumed that we’d never bond, I was ruining her for life, etc., but we’re fine! Emily was 4 pounds, 14 ounces at birth and my husband was balancing her in mid-air with one hand and carrying her around like a football until the nurses made him stop. (He had never even held a baby until that night, he never played sports, and I don’t think he’s ever touched a football!) I’m over-protective, and he never worries about anything, and it’s worked well for us, and probably kept both of our kids alive. (Friends would call and I’d insist that Emily was at death’s door and he’d say she was perfectly fine!)
Time does go by amazingly fast – not just the 13 years, but every day. I remember my husband going to work when Emily was a newborn, and he’d be home 12 hours later and all I had done all day was hold her and it seemed like only an hour had gone by. There was an article in the Washington Post at that time by a woman who was experiencing the same thing – where did the time go every day? She included a chart of the differences between new moms of that time (early 1990s) and the 1950s. We thought we really had it tough until she pointed out that the 1950s moms did NOT have disposable diapers, formula, microwaves, etc. (That being said, you still have to give your wife a break when you come home and she’s still in her PJs and it looks like nothing else has been done.) (I still have the article if you want me to find it – your wife would probably enjoy it after the baby arrives!)
Names – definitely nothing too common or farfetched! I went to a baby shower where 9 of the 10 moms had a baby girl named Emily. Some people recommend going outside and yelling the names you’re thinking of. A friend decided against the name Emma because it sounded too much like Enema. For a boy, I wouldn’t recommend a name that could also be a girl’s – Terry, Corey, etc. We really wanted a name that couldn’t be shortened – William, Bradley, etc. Our last name begins with a “K� and my husband’s first name also begins with a “K,� and being the computer geek that he is, he loves the fact that some people use K2 as his name (K-squared). So we chose the name Keith, and it really was a wonderful choice. It’s common enough that he sees it in almost all movie credits (a great place for ideas) and music-related items (liner-notes), and some basketball players, but he’s the only one at his school with that name.
You’re going to think I’m some stalker having spent so much time writing this, but I was really touched that you had asked for advice. I had to write because I’m still shocked at how much LOVE a person can feel for a child. I remember constantly thinking, “Why didn’t someone tell me about the love I’d feel?� I left the hospital sobbing because I was so afraid I wouldn’t know how to take care of her and keep her safe. Luckily most of parenting is instinctual, and you learn as you go – you don’t need to know everything the first hours or days. When we got in the car, the Linda Ronstadt/Aaron Neville song came on that says, “I don’t know much…but I know I love you…that may be…all I need to know.� I calmed down immediately. Of course, it helped that when my husband changed Emily’s diaper the first time, she was facing him vertically, i.e., with her feet toward him, and he put the diaper on horizontally, i.e., around her hips instead of between her legs. A sense of humor will keep you going, even during the hard times.
Over the years I’ve compiled many beautiful songs about moms, dads, babies, and lullabies if you’re interested (not the usual “top 40� stuff). Music and laughter have gotten me through everything (along with family, friends, prayer, etc.), so if you need some suggestions, let me know and I’ll send you a list, or make you a CD. I listen mostly to Singer/Songwriters and their words will explain how you’re going to feel better than I ever could.
After 13 years, I must tell you that the parents who said, “When your child looks up at you and smiles, it’s all worth it,� were absolutely, 100% correct. Emily was diagnosed at age 3-1/2 with leukemia and was in treatment for over two years. She was off treatment for exactly one year, and the leukemia came back. For the next 2+ years, we were in the hospital or the doctor’s office usually 25-35 hours a week, and she couldn’t go to school at all. She’s doing great now, and has been completely off treatment for 4-1/2 years. It was really hard for all of us, so when I tell you that everything you may have to give up, or delay, or postpone, the love of your son will be worth it, believe me!
Emily had some dental surgery done yesterday as an outpatient, and when we were checking into the hospital, Emily hugged me and said, “I love you most, mommy!� and the woman helping us actually started crying and said, “I wish I had someone to tell me that.� I remember wondering right then how I could have never wanted kids.
Sorry that this is so long! Best of luck to you, and I know that you and your wife will someday pass along all of your baby/child/teenager experience to some other thoughtful first-time mom or dad!
Terri
April 15th, 2006